Carl Schiffler’s
Liars Bunch

The day the President of the United

States came to Vinegarroon County the

Liars Bunch sat waiting on their bench in eager anticipation. Duded up to the nines, they had been chosen from the ranks of the Bunch by lottery the week before and carefully scrutinized by the Secret Service. There was Cobalt Belfrey, Horse Chotely, Onry LaTourista, aged Antietam O’Runion, and youngish Zeke Pascal.

“This’ll make the twelfth President I seed,” said O’Runion boastfully. “They all come to Vinegarroon sooner or later.”

“Why is that?” asked Zeke Pascal, who had made a fortune as a dot com magnate, retiring in the nick of time, just beating out the recent Internet meltdown. (Unlike the V-Boys who had lost everything, even their running shoes.)

“It’s just one o’ them things, like carrying coals to Newcastle.”

“I’m just glad it’s him and not that Satanist he run against,” glowered Cobalt Belfrey.

“Amen, brother, amen,” Horse Chotely agreed.

If anybody noticed the steam coming from Onry LaTourista’s ears they didn’t mention it because right then the President’s limousine pulled up. He got out and was escorted past the Liars Bunch’s Bench where he shook hands and allowed that any group calling themselves the Liars Bunch was missing out if they didn’t run for Congress. He then proceeded to the dais to the cheers and applause of the crowd that had gathered.


Ever notice how the neighbors’ barking dog never seems to bother them?

—Babe Martin


“You know, we don’t have volcanoes like this in Texas, although we do have a few hotheads,” W. joked, referring to the little known fact that Vinegarroon County is placed on the only live volcano so far discovered in west-south-central Indiana.

He then made a pretty fair speech, never promising what he couldn’t deliver and never delivering what he couldn’t promise.

“I want you to know,” he concluded, “that farmers are not going to be secondary thoughts to my administration. They will be in the forethought of our thinking. Which is why it is such a great privilege to present this honor to a great Native-Australian-American, um—Farmer Ooka Brown!”

Applause mixed with whispers of “Who?” as Farmer Ooka made his way onto the stage to shake the President’s hand and receive his medal. When he was asked to say a few words, he offered. “I just want to quote that great philosopher of an earlier age, Abe Martin, who once said, ‘The only absolutely safe way to double your money is to fold it once and put it in your hip pocket.’ Thank you.”

He left the stage to more applause and whispers of “What?” and “Huh?”

The President handed out some more medals and left shortly after for a quick tour of the Trans-Vinegarroon pipeline, meant to transport methane gas from Gobbletown to Doofyville and beyond. Then he was gone.

Meantime, the Liars Bunch continued setting on their bench, passing the time and waiting for the next President to show up.