Carl Schiffler’s
Liars Bunch

The dot com bust was hard on the V-Boys. Oh, they’d made their millions with their home and business security website, but they’d also lost those millions twice as fast.

When the lawyers were done all they had left was a few toasted motherboards and a 28k modem. They couldn’t even afford to pay rent on Babe Martin’s leaky old warehouse on V-Boy Road anymore. So they moved back into Donnie’s mother’s garage and started batting around a few new business plans. They decided their best bet was to write a TV sitcom. After all, they’d all grown up watching television. How hard could it be?

Being clever fellows they started by asking local writers for advice.

“Write about what you know,” the poet Ipso d’Facto told them.

Ex-editor Cale Flathead confided that, “I read in the TV Guide that they’re more likely to produce sequels of a show that’s already been successful, like Star Trek, or Frasier.”

They came up with a few ideas like the Y Files, and Law and Order SUV (about a police/prosecutors investigating sports-utility vehicle rollovers), but they remembered Ipso’s advice and since they didn’t know anything about law or order they came back to what they knew best: breaking into people’s homes. Which is how they came up with the idea for Home Security.

“Them Home Improvement boys ain’t been doing nothing since that show ended,” Ronnie noted.

“Yeah, Brad, Randy, and Mark! And in the last episode of Home Improvement they moved to Boomingtown, which is real convenient for us.”

“And Wilson’s niece . . .”


“. . . could have a fencing business next door,” Lonnie said getting excited. “You’ll only see the top of her head! Have a pal called Earl.”



When enough is enough!

Babe Martin



—Yard sign seen around Vinegarroon County.


They worked on the script for the rest of that summer, then drove out to Hollywood to try and introduce the concept to the right people. Which wasn’t so easy, them being outsiders to the Hollywood scene and all. Then Ronnie hit upon the idea of using their home security knowledge to get into the house of a television magnate so they could show him their script.

After they got out of jail they discovered that their adventure had been picked up by the National Enquirer. Their story was right next to one about the latest pictures of the “Face on Mars” revealing that it was actually Bart Simpson’s mug glaring out at humanity. Fox TV was in the process of suing the unknown aliens that put it there for copyright infringement. Broke, and with their credibility ruined, the boys hopped on a bus for the four day ride back to Native Americana (formerly Indiana) where they went back to school and started exciting careers as appliance repairmen.

“What happened to the script?” asked Donnie.

“I donno, it disappeared about the time that guard dog took a bite out of crime,” Lonnie answered, rubbing his backside.

They forgot about it until about a year later when Donnie was sitting in front of the TV eating his macaroni and cheese dinner with his new wife and baby. It was the start of a new season of Must See TV™and this particular program featured the Home Improvement boys: Brad, Randy, and Mark. Ed nearly choked on his melted granulated cheese food. Wouldn’t you know that they had a home security business and their next door neighbor was that Willow chick?

It was called Home Insecurity.